The Financial Services Club's Blog

Is the Queen worth it?

I was travelling on British Airways the other day, and really enjoyed their article in Business Life Magazine about how much the Queen costs the economy,

As a result, I thought it worth posting today as we’re about to head off on a four-day vacation in Britain to celebrate her sixty years on the throne …

… I normally spend less than sixty minutes on the throne, heh, heh.

Here’s a summary of the article, which makes for good reading I think.

What does the Queen cost the taxpayer?

Anti-monarchist group Republic says the Queen cost taxpayers £200 million in 2011. That is calculated on the basis of the amount she receives from the Civil List plus the cost of security for major events such as the Royal Wedding.

That means the Queen is good value as the real cost is less than zero thanks to the Queen's great- great- great-grandfather George III.

After losing Britain's colonies in the Americas, George III needed funds and offered to exchange the rents from the Crown Estate, Britain's biggest landowner, for the Civil List stipend.

Last year the Crown Estate raised revenues of more than £230m, leaving taxpayers in the black.

From next year, after the Civil List has been abolished, the Queen will instead receive a proportion of revenues from the Crown Estate in recognition of the funds it contributes to the Treasury's coffers.

Over the last five years, payments to the monarch have fallen by 19% in real terms.

Last year, she received a £32.1 million annual stipend from the Treasury via the Civil List. The payment equated to 51 pence for every British taxpayer, less than a third of the price of a cup of coffee. 

This year the Civil List has been cut to £31 million, and will be abolished next year.

The Thames River Pageant on Sunday will cost the taxpayer nothing as it is funded by over £10 million of private donations and sponsorship, including a large chunk from JPMorgan.

Howard Archer, chief economist at consultancy HIS Global Insight, claims the Diamond Jubilee extra bank holiday will cost Britain £7 billion, or 0.5% of GDP … but he also accepts that this will be offset in part by a boost to the economy from spending on Diamond Jubilee street parties, as well as an increase in tourism.

Research by VisitBritain found the monarchy also generated £500 million from foreign tourists in 2009, out of a total spend of £4.6 billion in the UK.

Of the tourists who came to the country last year 5.8 million visited a castle, with London's royal palaces the top destinations.

More than 400,000 took in Buckingham Palace, earning £41.7 million for House of Windsor Inc, which the Queen used to maintain her royal houses rather than rely on money from taxpayers.

The monarchy has always been good news at the box-office, with British-made films The Queen and The King's Speech generating £49.3m and £88m respectively.

800 private companies from Rigby and Peller, which makes the Queen's bras, to Hunter, which makes her wellington boots, benefit from an association with the House of Windsor through a Royal Warrant. 

The Royal Wedding was a showcase for British design with Sarah Burton, top designer at the Alexander McQueen label, catapulted into the limelight when she designed the wedding dress.

She is not the wealthiest person in Britain

The Queen is not the wealthiest person in Britain. The richest resident, according to the 2011 Sunday Times Rich List is Indian steel magnate Laskshmi Mittal, who has a fortune of £17.5 billion.

The Queen is not the richest woman as Kirsty Bertarelli has an estimated worth of £6.9 billion.

The Queen is not even as rich as J.K. Rowling, creator of the Harry Potter series.

She is the 257th richest person in the country, with assets of around £300 million (although the Sunday Times does leave out the Queen's most valuable assets: the Crown Estate is valued at up to £8 billion, with Buckingham Palace worth a further £3.5 billion, and the Royal Art collection worth billions more.

Nor is she the wealthiest monarch

That accolade goes to Hans Adam II, the ruler of Liechtenstein, who has an estimated worth of £3 billion, half of which comes from their ownership of LGT Bank.

Second richest monarch is Prince Albert von Thum und Taxis of Germany with £1.27 billion of assets in real estate, art and shares (and no royal duties as he’s not a reigning monarch)

Prince Albert Grimaldi II of Monaco also beats the Queen with £622 million of assets

The Queen’s lowly worth of £318 million seems minuscule by comparison, although it is double the worth of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands whose £127 million is mainly comprised of holdings in Royal Dutch Shell

And she’s not the highest cost for a monarch either

The Queen is also good value for money when you compare her budget with those of other monarchs.

Annual budgets for maintaining European monarchs and heads of state 2010-2011:

• £33.1 million Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands
• £32.1 million Queen Elizabeth of Great Britain
• £23.4 million King Harald V of Norway 
• £11.5 million King Albert II of Belgium 
• £10.5 million Margrethe II of Denmark 
• £10.2 million Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden 
• £7.43 million King Juan Carlos of Spain 
• £7.2 million Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg 

... and then there's Nicolas Sarkozy,
 President of 
France  who cost the French taxpayer £93 million last year.

Sources: The English Blog; Elysee Palace; Professor Herman Matthijs, Ghent University

 

 

European leaders agree wording for Greece deal

As we approach euro meltdown (join our webinar with GTNews on Tuesday for more on this), I thought it might be worth listening in to the videocall that took place between Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti, French President Francois Hollande, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, British Prime Minister David Cameron and European Council President Herman Van Rompuy yesterday.

START OF CALL 15:30 GMT 17/05/2012

David Cameron: “Well, welcome to this video call about the euro crisis.   I thought we should have this call to try to solve the issues we see in Greece and the potential issues it raises with a euro breakup …”

Angela Merkel: “I thought we called this video call?”

David Cameron: “Actually, it was my undersecretary who rang your …”

Herman Van Rompuy: “Please, please … we need to start this call as we mean to go on with a unifying approach to our euro problems.”

David Cameron: “I’m sorry, who are you?”

Herman: “Herman”.

David: “Well, if you’re her man, then I guess my undersecretary rang you.  So did we call this video conference or not?”

Herman: “I’m not her man.”

David: “Well, whose man are you.”

Herman: “No, I’m Herman.”

Mario Monti: “Look Cameron, is easy, he is not her man, your man, or my man, he is Herman.”

David: “You Europeans.”

Francois Holllande: “Monsieur Cameron, let’s move along as we all know you should not be on this call anyway.”

David: “What?”

Francois: “Well, I do not know why you British are even on this call when you are not part of Europe.”

David: “We jolly well are, you know.”

Francois: “You just called us 'Europeans' a minute ago, so you obviously do not think of yourself as European, do you?”

David: “Come on.  I enjoy a cappuccino and pain au raisin like the rest of Europe.”

Francois: “That does not make you European, especially when you support le petite Napoleon Sarkozy instead of moi.”

David: !

Angela: “Thank you Herr Hollande, and to the point.  What do you think we should do about Greece, the euro and a potential Eurozone breakup.”

Francois: “Why should I tell you, ma mere?”

Angela: “What did you call me?”

Francois: “Mother.”

Angela: “I am not your mother.”

Francois: “Well, don’t they call you mutti in Germany, which means mother does it not?”

Herman: “What has any of this got to do with solving the crisis in the Eurozone.”

Francois: “Well, it could be very important to know who is the mother and who is the father of the euro.”

David: “Oh god.”

Mario: “Look, the main thing that people want is not some sort of family in Europe, but unity.  We need political leadership and I think I can bring that to the table.”

Francois: “And how will you do this?”

Mario: “Well, if she is mother mutti then I am father Monti.”

Angela: “Who are you calling a mother?”

David: “Look, stop this.   It’s getting us nowhere and we need some form of announcement about how we are going to stem the Greek and Spanish tragedy for the G8 summit at Camp David this weekend.”

Mario: “Yes, I like Camp David.”

Francois: “Oh, I have never been.  What’s it like?”

Mario: “It’s a presidential retreat for that tanned guy who leads America.”

David: “Did you just say what I thought you said?”

Mario: “What?”

David: “That Barack Obama is some ‘tanned guy who leads America’.”

Mario: “Yes, so?”

David: “Well, I thought you were different to that chap before you.  You cannot say such things in public as it is not politically correct.”

Mario: “And who are you to talk about correctness when you are not correct.”

David: “What?”

Mario: “Well, you veto the European treaty, you make comments about the Eurozone breaking up, you are always against Europe, so how can you even talk to me about correctness?”

Herman: “Look, this call is getting us nowhere.  What are we going to do about Greece.”

Francois: “Ah Greece is the word.”

Mario: “Ah yes, it's got groove it's got meaning.”

Francois: “Aha, Greece is the time, is the place is the motion.”

Angela: “That is it!”

Herman: “What?”

Angela: “We can show a unified front by having us all sing the song Greece.”

David: “It’s Grease.”

Angela: “Yes, Greece is the word, is the way we are feeling.”

Mario: “It's got groove it's got meaning.”

Francois: “Greece is the time, is the place is the motion.”

Angela: “Greece is the way we are feeling.”

David: “I’m off.”

Herman: “Me too.”

END OF CALL 16:00 GMT 17/05/2012

16:05

REUTERS:European leaders agree wording for Greece deal

 

Studies prove that trading turns you into an arsehole

For the past few weeks, the daily headlines have included report after report of insider dealings, trades that were rigged, interest rate setting practices where banks fix things to make a buck and worse.  Here are three examples from just this morning's news:

• Senior bankers caught up in film investment tax probe - The Telegraph
• L&G employee arrested in trading probe - Financial Times
• Libor probe shines light on voice brokers - Financial Times

We even have the Church involved in the scandal now, with the news from the Vatican that four priests are to go on trial for money laundering, but that’s nothing new.

What is new is the number of insider trails taking place, the fines, the witch-hunt or dealer-hunt if you prefer, and the whole way that this has come to the fore in the last few months.

Maybe it’s partly to do with the Bribery Act that came into force recently in the UK, or the whole bank-bashing anti-capitalist, post credit crisis angst of politicians and regulators, but it strikes me that those doing dodgy dealings should be a little concerned.

After all, we have the prime example folks like Bernie Madoff, but when you get hedge fund managers who are like Lewis Chester, you really know that someone is taking the biscuit.

What was Chester’s crime?

Purely late trading in the US mutual funds markets, a practice that is outlawed by the Securities & Exchange Commission, and ignored by the likes of Lewis Chester.

In a court case this week, he got taken to the cleaners by the US courts and fined $77 million, a pretty hefty fine for a hedge fund but even more embarrassing for Chester himself who came out of this case as clearly not realising how emails to his broker could be incriminating.

Take this one.

Mr. Chester allegedly wrote in an email to James Wilson, a broker: “I really EXPECT you guys to go out of your way to make sure I get late trading.”

Sounds pretty incriminating, but nowhere near as bad as his attitude, which is deflected as being pure “broker banter”.

An example is this email to his broker for not doing what he wanted when he wanted: “Poor souls, working past cookie and milk time...for once in your lives, you can work like real men and do a proper day’s work. (You really are a bunch of women of the first order)”, tells you that one.

People are people and humans are humans, you should treat them as such.

Mind you, the hedge fund manager market is a breed apart.

Take the hedge fund manager who posted this email response to a girl he asked for a second date: “I will be sure to add you to the list of people who, after receiving an invitation to a second date, require extra time to write back (my internet was down! work was crazy! family business!), and then proceed to inform me of how great I am before insinuating that I have the attractiveness of a toad.”

You may think that’s fairly innocuous, but it’s the start of a lengthy diatribe where he effectively tells his proposed second dater that she really must learn a lesson about how to turn a guy down.

No wonder she forwarded the whole thing to Gawker  with the cover note: “Oh, I never mentioned his attractiveness, much less that he was a toad!”

All in all, you get the sense that the stereotype of an investment banker, trader, hedge fund manager and any other testosterone fuelled male in the City is one of some big fat, condescending, arrogant arsehole.

Oh, and then a study is produced that proves this is totally true.

According to Wednesday’s Wall Street Journal: “A University of Southern California researcher found insomnia, alcoholism, heart palpitations, eating disorders and an explosive temper in some of the roughly two dozen entry-level investment bankers she shadowed fresh out of business school.”

The study basically shows that most folks who enter investment banking rapidly become shrivelling wrecks who either handle it by taking every drug known possible to man or imploding.

“John Chrin, a former managing director at J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. who left the firm in June 2009 to pursue an executive-in-residence position at Lehigh University, recalls seeing junior staff gain 30 or 40 pounds within a couple years on the job.”

As Dealbreaker summarises this article: “Study Concludes Banking Brings Out Your Inner Fat Asshole”.

Sure does.

 

 

On Valentine's Day, do you love your bank?

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day and there’s the usual raft of bank-related love and hate going around.

Most of the Valentine’s Day headlines are about giving gifts that won’t break the bank.

That’s not surprising when, in the US alone, total jewellery spending is expected to top a staggering $4 billion, and a further $1.8 billion will be spent on flowers, $1.5 billion on chocolates and candy, and $1.1 billion on Valentine’s cards.

It’s a real money spinner, isn’t it?

According to a survey by Big Insight, the average person will spend $126 for Valentine's Day in 2012, 8.5%. Men spend more with an average $168 lashed out on their lady’s clothing, jewellery, greeting card and other gifts, whilst women spend half that amount, about $85.

Obviously, this is all down to the ‘glass ceiling’ effect, as men do earn twice as much as women don’t they?

And, if a banker with a healthy bonus wants to give the love of his life a truly stupendous gift, why not buy one of Victoria’s Secret’s Fantasy Bras?

This one is being modelled by a bank – Tyra Banks – and is only going to set you back a mere $10 million …

The bra has an 18-carat white gold setting and over 275 hours of labour went into its creation.

Lovely. 

And can you get me a pair of briefs to match?

The States have always pushed the envelope of Valentine, and even have a town called Valentine.

There are fourteen Valentine bank branches.

Super.

Mind you, America also has a few other towns with names like Cupid, Arrow, Love and Romance.

You could live and love there every day.

They even have a Love Bank, but do they love their banks?

Not if they’re big.

Once again, the USA has their annual “Dump Your Bank”campaign on Valentine’s Day, and it’s all about hate the big banks and move to the smaller ones.

Sure, it’s just an ad for credit unions, but is it working?

No.

Only $2 million moved out of big banks to credit unions, according to their homepage.

Bank Transfer Day was far more effective, with over 600,000 US consumers moving from large banks to small last quarter.

Mind you, introducing fees for debit card usage helped the cause immensely.

Maybe it’s better to offer more positive news and views, as the BMO Bank of Montreal  has tried to achieve.

BMO runs an annual Valentine’s Day study of … retirement?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 94?

Yes, the study looks at Canadian couples attitudes towards retirement and found that over half (56%) think retiring is more stressful than Valentine’s Day (20%).

Duh?

On that note, I think it’s time to retire from this love-in and get on with some real work.

Happy Valentine’s Day folks.

 

p.s. my favourite Valentine’s Day bank story still has be last year’s NAB campaign when they broke up with the other banks.

Reasons to reject the euro

There’s still lots of debate about the euro and Eurozone, with Greece imploding and now Italy et al all going up the Furka Pass, so to speak.

Now I’ve been purposefully avoiding getting into the fray, as it’s not my place, although I’m quite outspoken in media outlets about such matters (checkout this Bloomberg video about European Banking Authority’s stress tests of banks in July 2011, if interested). 

Anyways, we now have David Cameron and Angela Merkel at loggerheads about such matters.  Luckily they came to some agreement, although the bank transaction tax is still causing huge disagreements.

Meanwhile, some believe that Britain will regret not being part of the euro.  This is down to the new controlling stranglehold in Europe of the inner sanctum – those in the euro – and the rest – those not.

This may create a rift in European Union, but is necessary if the Germans are going to keep paying for holding the Eurozone together.

This is why some folks, even those within the Conservative Party, believe the UK must one day join the euro too.

Nevertheless, talks of joining the euro are more divisive in Britain than ever, and is still unlikely in my lifetime. 

One of the reasons why we would never want to join the euro of course, is because we like the Queen and the Pound.

For example, in a survey by Demos published over the weekend – which showed that Muslim Brits are more patriotic than all other Brits! – they itemised what we consider to be ‘national treasures’.

Shakespeare came out tops, closely followed by the National Trust (our ‘green and pleasant land’) and the armed forces (keep our country ours).

Interestingly, the pound came fifth, above the monarchy who came seventh.

BEST OF BRITISH TOP 10

How people rate our cultural icons:

Shakespeare                                    75%

The National Trust                           72%

The armed forces                            72%

The Union Jack                                71%

The pound                                       70%

The NHS                                          69%

The monarchy                                  68%

The BBC                                           63%

British sporting achievements            58%

The Beatles                                      55%

 

Hmmm … this intrigued me and got me thinking.

Then I spotted a remarkable item about a chap in Poland who’s been designing their bank notes all of his lifetime.

He’s a national treasure there, and an artist designing everything from military medals to passport covers, coats of arms to postage stamps; and his name is Andrzej Heidrich.

Now in his 80s, Andrzej Heidrich’s artwork is being celebrated by Poland’s National Bank...

... including many banknote designs ...

Some of which were never actually issued.  For example, this 100 zloty note was never issued:

A better version was demanded by the Central Bank and, a bit like album covers in days of old, we treasure the designs and have rigorous standards.

This is why such designs become treasured and is why it is no wonder that countries who have no euro, and view their banknotes and artwork around those notes as ‘national treasures’, have such resistance to being in the euro.

Maybe the bet should be more on the Germans joining the Deutschmark than Britain, or Poland for that matter, joining the euro?

Ooops, scrub that:

In spite of the continuing crisis in the eurozone, the Polish ambassador says his country still aspires to adopting the currency as its own.

Guess, I should start using Bitcoin instead.

 

That European Joke (Part Two)

I’ve been loathe to talk too much lately about the Eurozone as it’s just too darned depressing.

What with Greece slipping and sliding away, Italy bunga’d out and now France being challenged, it’s just a crazy, crazy moment in history.

There’s even a discussion of the Eurozone disbanding, although officials deny this.

However, in my spirit of fun, I was prompted to find a bunch of European jokes after reading about Silvio Berlusconi:

He became notorious for off-colour jokes, including likening a German member of the European Parliament to a Nazi, accusing communists of boiling children and using them as fertilizer and calling President Barack Obama "suntanned".

While the 75-year-old openly flirted with female heads of state, he showed little talent for diplomacy and left German Chancellor Angela Merkel waiting at a NATO summit in 2009 while he finished a phone-call in front of her.

In a telephone intercept leaked to Italian press earlier this year he described Italy as "a shitty country" and said he could not wait to leave.

His quip to supporters that he should change his party's name to "Go Pussy!" to boost its popularity also fell flat and brought widespread condemnation.

Therefore, keeping up the levity, here are a few more Euro jokes for a frazzled French Friday …

How the European Union works

How the EU works: In Germany, they make the rules, in Britain, they obey the rules, in France, they bend the rules, in Spain, they break the rules, and in Italy they have no rules at all.

Working in Brussels

On a visit to the Headquarters of the European Commission, a visitor noticed that there was a big yellow line painted down the middle of the corridor. "What's that for?" he asked his host.  His host replied: "Oh, that's to keep the staff coming in late from colliding with the ones who are leaving early."

European Union

An Englishman, Frenchman, German, Belgian, Italian and Spaniard walk into a pub... and the landlord says: “Is this some kind of joke?”

European Disunity

An Irishman, Greek, Portuguese, Italian and Spaniard walk into a pub... the German pays.

Don’t take the peace

The EU has decided that the British colloquialism “to spend a penny” is no longer correct and must be replaced by the new expression: “to Euronate”.

Stand up for the Euro

The European Parliament has decided to change the design of the euro when noticing that the first one was a bit boring and sad.   The new design is a stronger and more aggressive one which will make people eager to consume ...

The European Union

A prize was to be awarded for the first person to discover a horse with black and white stripes like a zebra.

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Spaniard participated hoping to win the prize of €1 million.

The German decided to spend weeks in the National library researching into horses with black and white stripes. The Englishman went straight to a shop in Piccadilly which specialises in hunting gear, bought all the equipment necessary and set off for Africa in his quest for this strange creature. The Frenchman bought himself a horse and painted it black and white . The Spaniard went to the best restaurant he knew in Madrid, ordered an expensive meal for himself with a fine bottle of wine; after the meal he ordered an expensive Havana cigar and a Napoleon brandy, sat in a luxurious arm-chair in the hotel and began to consider what he would do with the 1,000,000 euros once he had found this remarkable horse with black and whte stripes.

The new Euro language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

And one of the oldest jokes …

In Heaven: the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell: the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

Thanks to the BBC for the unaccredited jokes above.

This is Part Two of a European Joke series.  Part One can be found here.

 

Something far more frightening than Zombie Bankers

It’s 31^st October and you know what that means?

Halloween.

Ghouls, ghosts and ghoulies abound.

And yes, you find plenty of them in the financial system.

First, there’s those fiendish Zombie Bankers:

These are so popular, there’s even a movie and an iPhone and iPad game to play about them …

But the best advice has been posted on YouTube in this instructional film about how to hide your family and silver from Zombie Bankers:

But even if you survive the Zombie Bankers, you may find your next challenge: the Vampire Squid, alternatively known as Goldman Sachs.

This is a bit of a misnoma however, as the real Vampire Squid is quite cute really …

The same cannot be said of Senator Barney Frankenstein.

He may not frighten you or I, but the Zombie Bankers were particularly afeared of him.

But, if you want a real fright that would scare any of us day or night, you don’t have to look too far …

Even the normally sensible Danish are a bit afraid of this devil.

 

 

Inside the bank's boardroom crisis meeting

Welcome to the first of what may be many fly-on-the-wall (FOTW) reports of internal bank management matters.

In this first FOTW report, we sent Marty, our Scottish fly, into the monthly management meeting of one of the world’s largest banks, Megabank (stock ticker: MGB).

Here’s how it went.

10:00, FTSE at 5450.49, MGB share price at £0.5614p

Chief Executive Robin Money opens the meeting.

“Good morning everyone, and welcome to our monthly management meeting.”

Smell of coffee, sly looks, tired eye rubbing and general lack of alertness abounds.

“First on the agenda, the Eurozone.”

Groans, harumphs, exasperated air venting and general feeling of depression abounds.

“As a result of the issues in the Eurozone, we have decided to layoff 50,000 peoples, retract all operations across the Continental European theatre, sell all of our assets there and become a purely UK-centric bank.”

A quiet whoop in the corner, followed by a shriek in the other.  CEO Money suspects that was the Head of Risk and the CIO respectively.

“Sorry guys, but we cannot continue to pursue our European ambitions when the regulators are asking for 9% in risk-weighted assets as core capital under Basel III so soon.”

A black cloud appears over the room and gently lets a little trickle of rain come down whilst the news is absorbed by all.

10:05, FTSE rises 20 points to 5470. 46, MGB share price at £0.5208p

“Having said that, we are going to invest more in our UK operations and will be embarking upon a major new marketing campaign incorporating all the latest social media stuff in a Google Wallet.”

Quiet whispering takes place as the Head of Marketing whispers in Money’s ear.

“Sorry, I understand from Lemmy” – Lemmy Roe-Bewe, CMO – “that this is actually a leveraged marketing strategy using Web 2.0 techniques in mobile channels.”

Tsk-tsk is heard from the opposite side of the room, no doubt being Will D’Axe, Chief Finance Officer.

“Look Will, we need to have some investment for growth here and, as the late great Steve Jobs said, ‘the cure is not cost-cutting. The cure is to innovate out of the current predicament.'”

Will still looked peeved.

10:10, the FTSE drops 65 points to 5405.14, MGB share price at £0.4563p

“OK, we need to do some cost cutting too and so, on top of all of the jobs we’re shedding across Europe, we have to close 500 branches here in the UK too.”

More shrieks from Clint E. Grater, the CIO.

“Look Clint, what’s wrong?”

Clint’s high-pitched, nervous, geeky voice shrilled across the room: “every time you sell, divest, close or change something, it means massive costs in our technology structures Robin.”

“That’s why Clint”, said Robin with a schadenfreude grin, “you’re the first of our job leavers.  Goodbye.”

With which Robin gives Clint a large brown envelope as the security guards appear in the boardroom to escort him away.

Everyone’s now a bit nervous but Lemmy pipes up: “it’s no problem losing these branches when we have a leveraged marketing strategy using Web 2.0 techniques.”

And Will adds: “plus we’re moving all our compute power into the cloud, so who needs Clint anyway?”

10:15, the FTSE rises 216 points to 5621.98, MGB share price at £0.3356p

“Now to the real core of our future strategy”, says Robin.

Everyone looks up expectantly.

“After a lot of time and consideration over the past few months …”

A tension fills the room that could be cut like a knife.

“… and discussions with each of you …”

Sweat trickles down the forehead of most of the execs except Fallon O’Cliff, the Head of Risk, who is literally dripping.

“… any ideas?”

Everyone looks a bit perplexed.

Lemmy says: “I thought we were going with the leveraged Web 2.0 techniques?”

Will throws in: “What about the liquidity risk instruments strategy that Fallon and I agreed?”

Fallon is now sitting in a small pool of sweat.

Robin turns a beady eye his way.

“Fallon … what strategy was that?”

Drip, drip, drip.

“Well”, he says.

The room has a pregnant pause with a bated breath.

“I thought we could …”

The bated breath becomes a vacuum of expectation.

“… offset our intraday liquidity and securitisation issues …”

The vacuum of expectation becomes an atmosphere of anticipation.

“… by getting the Bank (of England) to …”

The atmosphere of anticipation becomes a galaxy of hope.

“… quantitative ease us out of this mess.”

The galaxy of hope explodes into a universe of belief until Robin says, “we’ve tried that one.”

The expectation, anticipation, hope and belief implodes (again).

10:20, the FTSE falls 621 points to 5000.00, MGB share price at £0.0356p

Karen Falstaff raises her hand.

Karen is the Head of Human Resources.

She never normally speaks in the alpha filled boardroom meetings.

Robin is surprised.

Lemmy smirks, Will has a frown and Fallon has melted.

“Yes Karen”, Robin smurmurs, “what is it?”

“Well, you asked for ideas on strategy”, she asserts, and everyone is surprised to find that she actually has a voice.

“Yes Karen”, Robin smooches, “what is it?”

“Well, I saw an article this week where someone managed to create their own Quantitative Easing”, she mandates, and everyone is surprised to find themselves nodding.

“Are you saying Karen”, Robin flirts, “we could do this?”

“I believe so”, says Karen, ignoring the way in which Robin’s mouth is moving.

“Well”, he tongues, “let’s give this a go then.”

10:25, the FTSE falls 2222 points to 2778.00, MGB share price at £0.0018p

The boardroom meeting is called to a close and Robin grabs Karen’s arm, pulling her into a tight embrace from which she finds herself hard to extract.

“Where is this wonderful article you found on Quantitative Easing”, he licks.

“You’ll find it on your desk Robin”, she responds, quietly placing her knee against his crotch in order to avoid any further intrusion into her space.

Robin gets the message and returns to his office, to find the article in question:

A man from Northern Ireland has been jailed after an experiment in which he attempted to turn his own faeces into gold went wrong and started a fire in a block of flats.

 

 

 

American Excess rather than Express

So I can’t find my American Express Card.

Looked everywhere and it’s lost.

Darnit.

I Google “AMEX lost corporate card”, and find an American telephone number.

Harumph.

So I Google “AMEX lost corporate card UK”, and find the UK 01273 telephone number and call it.

“Hello and welcome to American Express Card Services”, says some automated robot system that sounds a bit like a Scottish oik, “please enter your 15-digit card number”.

I’ve lost my card oik, how am I supposed to know my card number?

So I enter 0#, thinking that should get me through to a human.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that”, says the oik.  “Please enter your 15-digit card number”.

I’ve lost my card wassock; tell me how I get a human being?

So I enter ***, thinking it might work.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.  Please enter your 15-digit card number”.

Why don’t you run into the nearest loch and get eaten by the monster, you annoying  tartan robot?

So I enter 2277839273 for B-A-R-S-T-E-W-A-R-D, and see what happens.

“I’ll put you through to someone who can help”, says the tartan droid.  Now we’re getting somewhere.

“Please choose 1 if you have lost your card, 2 if you just think you’ve lost your card, 3 if you think it has been stolen, 4 if you think it has been stolen by a family member or 5 if you gave it to a shady person in return for illicit goods” …

I press option #1 and get through to a human, yay.

“Hello, you’re through to American Express Customer Service and my name is Alan.”

Brilliant.

“Do you have your American Express Card number?”

No, you automaton scripted idiot, I would have entered the card number if I knew it.

Or that’s what I thought, what I say is, “I’m afraid I don’t, but I think I’ve lost my card”.

“Oh”, says Alan. “In which case, what sort of card do you have?”

I tell him it’s a Corporate Card and Alan apologises, but says he has to transfer me.

Grrrrrr…

Oh no … another automated menu: “Please choose 1 if you have lost your card, 2 if you just think you’ve lost your card …”

I press option #1 and get through to a human again, double yay.

“Hello, you’re through to American Express Corporate Card Customer Service and my name is Julie. Do you have your American Express Card number?”

Bloody scripts.

“No, I don’t and I’m going all around the houses with your automated menus trying to tell you I’ve lost my card.”

“Oh”, says Julie, “what sort of card was it?”

“A corporate card”, says I, “which is why I’m talking to you.”

“Oh”, says Julie, “can you tell me your name?”

Finallly, getting somewhere.

“Yes, it’s Chris Skinner.”

“Thank you”, says Julie.

Then silence as she taps away on a keyboard.

Then a “hmmmm”.

Then a “and what is the company name on the card Mr. Skinner?”

Interesting

“Balatro Limited”, I tell her.

“Thank you”, says Julie.

Then silence as she taps away on a keyboard.

Then a “hmmmm”.

Then a “that’s B, A, L, A, T, R, O is it Mr. Skinner?”

“Yes”, I say.

“Thank you”, says Julie.

Then silence as she taps away on a keyboard.

Then a “hmmmm”.

Then a “are you sure you can’t remember any of your card number Mr. Skinner, as you’re not coming up on our database.”

Now I’m getting mad.

“Look, I can remember a few digits like 3742 something or other, but I can’t remember the card number as I would have entered it at the start and not be in this mess of your system would I.”

“Oh”, says Julie.  “3742 doesn’t sound like one of our corporate cards.”

“Well, 3742 you”, I say. 

“I was only trying to let you know that I think I’ve lost my card”, I say.

“And after all this, if you find major losses on the card, it’s your fault”, I say and hang up.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Calm down.

Ommmmmmmmm ….

Phu, phu, phu, phu …

Mmmmmmmmm …

Calm …

Trees, sunshine, bird song, mountain breeze, bubbling brooks and river streams …

Ommmmmmmmm …

Then, suddenly, aha!

My card number was 3742 618 916 46008, yay!

I ring the 01273 number and try again.

“Hello and welcome to American Express Card Services, please enter your 15-digit card number”.

No problem.

I enter the number and get options for balance checks, recent transactions, etc, and a ‘0’ option for a human.

I press 0 and get through to a human.

“Hello, welcome to American Express Card Services and my name is John.  How can I help you?”

“Hello John”, says I, and proceed to cancel my lost card and order a new one.

The usual excellent service I receive.

At the end I ask John why there were so many issues on the previous call and it turns out I have an American Express Small Business Card, not an American Express Corporate Card.

Go figure …

Bribery, corruption and banking

I’m sitting in a restaurant the other day, and hear the following conversation …

Banker One: “So what’s this Bribery Act thingamajig?”

Banker Two: “New Law.  Came into force July 1st.” mnum, yum, mnum.

Banker One: “Yea, I know that”, mnum yum. “I meant what does it mean?”

Banker Two: glug, glug.  “Can’t take a bung anymore.”

Banker One: “You do?” Mouth open, food visible.

Banker Two: “Not anymore ha,ha, ha”. Glug.

Banker One: “So what’s the basics on this?” Mnum.

Banker Two: “Well. Let me tell you …”

The pin-striped gel boy then went into a lengthy overview on the whole thing.

Rather than bore you with all the detail, it can be summarised as a new law that came into force in the UK on July 1^st 2011.

The Bribery Act introduces a new corporate offence for, you guessed it, bribery.

A person is guilty of bribery “if he (or she) offers or gives a financial or other incentive to someone with the intention of getting that person or a third party to perform a function or activity improperly or as a reward for an improper act”.

He or she is also guilty if they know or believe that the offer or payment itself constitutes an improper performance of a relevant function or activity.  There are four ways this might happen:

1. “Active bribery”, where someone purposefully gives another person a financial or other advantage to induce them to perform their duty improperly;
2. “Passive bribery” where you offer, request, receive or accept a bribe;
3. Bribing a foreign government official in order to win or keep business for your company, or to gain a business advantage for your organisation; and
4. An offence if you let someone commit one of the above offences on your or your company’s behalf.

This is old news, but I was amused by how the conversation between the two bankers proceeded.

Banker One: “So what about the Clubs?” mnum, yum, glug.

Banker Two: “No can do, no more.” Gnaw, gnaw, ribs.

Banker One: “Damn, I liked the girls.” Splutter, spit, chew.

Guess you get the idea of how they’re eating, so I’ll just recount the conversation as I heard it from here.

Banker Two: But it does make me wonder.

Banker One: Wonder what?

Banker Two: About the Clubs.

Banker One: We can still go.

Banker Two: Not those Clubs.  I mean, are we bribing someone if we take them to see Chelsea?

Banker One: No way.

Banker Two: In Thailand?

Banker One: You did?  Like the Hangover II?

Banker Two: Better!  She did far more than ping pong.

Banker One: Get outta here. Tell me more …

I’ll leave that bit out, as it got a bit close to the edge, but the conversation remained in Asia.

Banker Two: But we’re gonna find it harder these days, aren’t we?

Banker One: ‘Cos of the banking crisis?

Banker Two: No, ‘cos of this stupid Bribery Act.

Banker One: How so?

Banker Two: well, my main action these days is in China, and you get nowhere in China without a bung here and there.

Banker One: Ah, but taking a bung might get you hung.

Banker Two: Only recently.  For years, those guys got away with all sorts of stuff.

They then went into a list of their favourite Asian films, which was pretty juvenile.  I almost wanted to step in when they were talking about which Lee was better: Christopher, Ang or Jet.

Of course, Ang is not an actor and Jet spells his surname differently, but that's another story.

The conversation finally ended up with further surreal chat …

Banker Two: What about Gaddafi?

Banker One: Yea.  Shame.

Banker Two: Tyrant, I know.

Banker One: No.  I meant losing his account.

Banker Two: You had it?

Banker One: We had it.  He moved all the funds out to HSBC.

Banker Two: Told you Asia is where the action is.

Banker One: At least we’re still trading, unlike the Italian guys who partnered with him.

Banker Two: Whatever.  Any idea where he is these days?

Banker One: What?  The Italian?

Banker Two: No, Gaddafi.  I heard the old lag had already jumped ship. 

Banker One: You know he had a load of investments in London property …

At this point, a person extraordinarily similar in height and stature to Colonel Gaddafi walked past … it couldn’t be, could it?

 

Things a banker says, and what they really mean

I know we see these things all the time – what someone says and what they really mean – but I haven’t seen many for bankers, so here’s a few that I’ve encountered over the years, and my interpretation.

What they say:

“You’re good for this loan?”

What they mean:

You look like a hobo.

What they say:

“Do you have any collateral?”

What they mean:

You still look like a hobo, but more like a hobo that’s a no-good hobo.

What they say:

“Our bank is easy to do business with”

What they mean:

We don’t have the same out-dated processes and practices as all the other ones.

What they say:

“I can get you a decision on that post haste”

What they mean:

Maybe I’ll get back to you next week.

What they say:

“What a refreshing idea”

What they mean:

There’s no way our compliance and audit will go for this.

What they say:

“Regulations make this difficult”

What they mean:

There’s no way our compliance and audit will go for this.

What they say:

“There’s no way our compliance and audit would go for this”

What they mean:

I daren’t even ask them.

What they say:

“This is a great technology, we must use it”

What they mean:

Not interested.

What they say:

“We tried this and it was interesting”

What they mean:

There’s no way this is coming back in here again.

What they say:

“Who else is using this?”

What they mean:

Might be interested if you can name me someone bigger than us who’s using it.

What they say:

“If they are doing this, then it makes sense for us”

What they mean:

Oh, they’re using it?  We better use it too then.

What they say:

“Have you spoken with so-and-so about this?”

What they mean:

If you’ve gone anywhere near my boss behind my back, I’m going to kill you.

What they say:

“I’m committed to this and will get back to you”

What they mean:

Don’t call me, and I probably won’t call you.

What they say:

“Do you have an order form with you?”

What they mean:

If not, then you can leave now; if you do, don’t be so presumptuous.

What they say:

“Can I sign the contract right here, right now?”

No, you’ll never hear that one.

 

 

Honesty? Strewth, I'd rather steal from an Australian ...

I got a nudge today from NAB.

No, it’s not a disease.

It’s NAB, National Australia Bank, who recently pulled the pants down on their competitors by telling them they were all dodgy in a national advertising campaign framed around the theme: “it’s over between us ”.

The aim was to set NAB apart from the pack of banks, and it worked.

According to the Australian newspaper, the campaign has led to NAB seeing a 50% boost in credit card applications, a 20% increase in mortgage applications, a 35% increase in interest from customers of other banks in moving over to NAB, and a 1% increase in NAB's share of the mortgage business.

Pretty impressive stuff and how do you follow that?

With something not quite as buzzy, but still interesting.

Let’s test honesty.

On Sunday, the bank is launching a whole set of viral social stuff themed around: “An Honesty Experiment”, looking at how honest are Australians.

It comes with some cute videos and my favourite is the third in a series, where some tosser Bruce drops cash all over the pavement …

And all the Sheila’s and Bruce’s give it back to him!

It’s all on YouTube, Facebook and Twitter and is coupled with research that reckons the average Aussie tells less than three lies a week.

That’s a great message, and indicates that most Aussies are honest

Obviously, not the ones who play cricket, but that’s another story.

So then it got me thinking about honesty elsewhere, and I found an interesting survey  from Synovate, who set out to test the honesty of 2,640 survey panellists in the US, Germany and Thailand, and found that US respondents are more likely to provide truthful answers than Germans and Thais.

Hmmm … a Basil Fawlty moment almost loomed, but I shall refrain.

Now us Brits are obviously totally above board.

We just bribe our police to give us info about the Queen, the Prime Minister and anyone else we need to know about.

On a less serious note, a recent survey of 15,000 Brits found that over two-thirds of people admit that they have steal stationery from work, copy CDs for friends, or kept quiet when undercharged in shops.

Apparently, we are far more honest when there is someone watching, which includes CCTV cameras.  Maybe that’s why we have 1 CCTV camera for every 32 people as you cannot trust any of us!

So here’s the rub.

An Englishman, Thai, German, American and Aussie walk into a bar. 

The Aussie pays.

 

That European Joke

I’m quite pro-European as it goes. 

Roughly translated, as I’m British, this means that as long as the Eurocrats stay in Europe and out of the UK, that’s fine.  It's also because the main benefit is that I enjoy holidays without having to worry about changing currencies.

In truth, I'm quite pro-European because I've been intellectually entertained  by the major regulatory programs, such as the MiFID and the PSD. Both have kept me busy for near a decade, and are valuable examples of widespread banking transformation unseen elsewhere in the world (if you haven’t noticed, we’ve just started another survey about this).

And yet, everything I read these days talks about the end of the euro.  Here are just a few examples:

• Is it the end of the Euro? - The European Courier
• How the euro crisis end game might look - Telegraph
• I told Ken Clarke that the euro project would end in disaster - Telegraph
• Euro end game draws nearer Outside the Box - MarketWatch

Admittedly, many of these headlines are being sparked by the implosion of Greece, and the expectation that they may even need a third bailout.  The fact that Greece has had to get a bailout for a second time, has not only inflamed those in Europe but those in Greece, where the punishment for being tied to a currency they don’t want is mass unemployment and budget cuts.

And the jokes are rife, much to the upset of my Greek friends.

 

Greece – a country that by its very name would make the Union slip-slide away.

Greece – a country where Euro means toilet, and that’s where it’s going.

What's the capital of Greece?  About €3.

 

Mind you, humour is one thing that always crops up during a crisis, as demonstrated recently in Ireland, where they had a whole weekend comic fair dedicated to it:

 

Q: Why is the Irish economy in such a crisis?

A: Because they always think their capital should be Dublin.

 

Ireland’s been downgraded from AAA+ to AA.  Before, they were a battery for the remote control, but now they're only good for a Walkman.

 

It gets worse.

 

A Greek, an Irishman, and a Portuguese go into a bar. The German pays.

 

Hmmm ... how many jokes can we take?

And perhaps some of this is no joke.

After all, the Germans saying that they’re going to holiday in the Greek Islands for the next ten years because they’ve prepaid ... may go down well in Germany, but any German trying that in a Greek hotel, may find themselves out on their arsch.

So what is the reality?

Well, the euro is at breaking point and Greece – along with Portugal, Ireland and Spain – are really testing its mettle. 

And what happens if Greece does default on its debt? 

Well, that’s no good for the country.  They return to the drachma and become a former EU pariah that is Euronated on by everyone?  What does that mean for the SEPA and the MiFID?

Not a great deal in my view, as the infrastructures are built and the remaining countries will continue to process via those infrastructures, including those that now fall away from the euro and back to their old currencies, such as Greece.

Greece will not rip out their EBA connected clearing just because they go back to the drachma.  No.  Instead, the systems continue but now support one less EU member state in the Eurozone.

I’ve blogged about that in more depth before.

Meanwhile, Europe will continue but with the tensions you would expect in any region where every country is radically different. 

For example, the EU plans to have Turin and Lyons joined by a high speed train network have hit the rails in Italy. In riots over the weekend, Italians tried to stop consutruction work starting, as the plans will ruin an area of outstanding national beauty.

Meanwhile, the Brits and Germans continue to throw jokes at each other.

The Sun started it when they talked about a report from biologists at University College, London, who found that a Y chromosome found in nearly all German and Danish men is surprisingly common in Britain. This is due to the invasion of thousands of Anglo-Saxon immigrants in the fifth and sixth centuries, after the Romans left.

As a result, the Sun ran an article that opened with the lines: “do you have a craving for sausage or get upset about bad timekeeping? Then you might actually be German!”

They then set a test for readers to answer A, B or C to find out their “oompah-pah” rating, including questions such as:

 

What is your favourite number?

A. Seven.

B. Eight.

C. Nein!

With members of the opposite sex, are you attracted to their...

A. Bottom.

B. Eyes.

C. Herr.

Ladies, when your armpits are a little hairy do you...

A. Reach for the razor.

B. Wear a long-sleeved top.

C. Take every available opportunity to remove your top and put your hands on your head.

When you see a picture of the late Steve McQueen, do you think...

A. Ah... The Great Escape. What a film. What a hero.

B. Is that the fella who was in that PoW film who almost got away on a motorbike?

C. That sneaky escape artist - get him back in ze Cooler!

All in the worst possible taste, as demonstrated by Der Bild’s response:

 

When you hear the word dentist, do you:

A.           Look it up in a dictionary

B.           Remember your last visit 30 years ago

C.            Open a bottle of beer with your last-remaining teeth

 

How do you like your beer?

A.            Lukewarm

B.            Without a head

C.            By the gallon

Talking about holidays, what do you think of sun block?

A.            It's for Krauts only

B.            Doesn't taste good in gin

C.            My skin is my sun block
 

 

When are English women at their most beautiful?

A.            After 12 beers

B.            After a day in the sun

C.            In complete darkness

This was all accompanied by a photograph of the typical sort of British male we all aspire to be:

All of this is just general jest and fun.

However, one thing that will really hack off every European, whether member state or not, in crisis or not, is the news last week of the European President’s plans to build the Europa, a presidential palace that will cost €300 million to build.

In order to promote the idea, Herman van Rompuy spent €120,000 producing a fancy brochure outlining the plans for the building.

Not surprisingly, as you can see, it is already being nicknamed the E-Uterus for its womb-like central structure.

The building will be completed in 2014 and, knowing how Brussels works, this will go through without a whimper, as demonstrated by blogger, the Reluctant Bruxellois, who posted the true way in which the EU works.

A joke was proposed by a Belgian to be the Official European Joke, in order to improve the relationship between the nations, as well as promote our self humour and our culture. The Joke went as follows:

European paradise is when you are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by an Englishman. Food is prepared by a Frenchman and an Italian puts you in the mood and everything is organised by a German. 

European hell is when you are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by a Frenchman. Food is prepared by an Englishman, German puts you in the mood but, don't worry, everything is organised by an Italian.  

The European Council met in order to make a decision. Should the joke be the Official European Joke or not? 

The British representative announced, with a very serious face and without moving his jaw, that the joke was absolutely hilarious. 

The French one protested because France was depicted in a bad way in the joke. He explained that a joke cannot be funny if it is against France. 

Poland also protested because they were not depicted in the joke. 

Luxembourg asked who would hold the copyright on the joke. The Swedish representative didn't say a word, but looked at everyone with a twisted smile. 

Denmark asked where the explicit sexual reference was. If it is a joke, there should be one, shouldn't there? 

Holland didn't get the joke, while Portugal didn't understand what a "joke" was. Was it a new concept? 

Spain explained that the joke is funny only if you know that the lunch was at 13h, which is normally breakfast time.    

Greece complained that they were not aware of that lunch, that they missed an occasion to have some free food, that they were always forgotten.  

Romania then asked what a "lunch" was. 

Lithuania et Latvia complained that their translations were inverted, which is unacceptable even if it happens all the time.   

Slovenia told them that its own translation was completely forgotten and that they do not make a fuss.   

Slovakia announced that, unless the joke was about a little duck and a plumber, there was a mistake in their translation.   

The British representative said that the duck and plumber story seemed very funny too. 

Hungary had not finished reading the 120 pages of its own translation yet .

Then, the Belgian representative asked if the Belgian who proposed the joke was a Dutch speaking or a French speaking Belgian. Because, in one case, he would of course support a compatriot but, in the other case, he would have to refuse it, regardless of the quality of the joke. 

To close the meeting, the German representative announced that it was nice to have the debate here in Brussels but that, now, they all had to make the train to Strasbourg in order to take a decision. He asked that someone to wake up the Italian, so as not to miss the train, so they can come back to Brussels and announce the decision to the press before the end of the day .

 "What decision?" asked the Irish representative. 

 And they all agreed it was time for some coffee.

 

New Media versus The Law

I’ve written about the end of privacy before, but now the big news in the UK is that privacy is a joke.

There is no such thing.

For example, we had a court of law here that could implement superinjunctions to stop the media leaking information about people’s private lives.

Major stars of media, sport and business had taken out these superinjunctions, or “gagging orders” as they are known colloquially, to stop details of their inflammatory matters getting into the press.

Unfortunately, these gagging orders are a joke as, just by placing them, the knowledge of their exploits become known to many people.

This is why so much is leaked, such as the details of the private matter of Sir Fred Goodwin having a fling with a senior colleague after the Royal Bank of Scotland’s collapse.

Then we went one step further and had some loose cannon release details of all the major superinjunctions in the UK.

The orders are court orders that are meant to mean no mention of any names can be made by any media.

The trouble is that it’s old media that conforms to the law, not new media.

For example, the old media can now report details of Sir Fred’s affair because the information was shared in our Parliament.  This is a Parliamentary Privilege that allows some breach of court orders if a member of government believes it to be in the public interest.

As a result, John Hemming and Lord Oakeshott discussed details of some of these superinjunctions and suddenly Sir Fred’s affair could be reported by old media.

And boy, did they have a heyday, with the Sun's front page on Friday wrapping it up the best …

And more inside ...

Unfortunately, as British media's most loathed businessman, Sir Fred should expect the media knife to lodge in his back at every opportunity. 

Even so, old media is still unable to report the information about who he had the affair with, even though new media has made it clear who the lady in question is.

More worryingly for Fred is also the fact that the FSA are now going to rake over those coals.

All in all, it is clear that new media has completely decimated privacy, as demonstrated by the lack of power of the courts.

For example, one of the leaked names is a certain Manchester United football player who is implicated in an alleged seven month affair with a former Big Brother contestant.

As soon as the player went for a writ against twitter, then things got even more interesting.

The player’s lawyers lodged papers in the UK High Court ordering twitter to disclose who the leaker on their website is.  The order is not against twitter as a company itself, but "to obtain limited information concerning the unlawful use of twitter by a small number of individuals who may have breached a court order".

The thing is that twitter is based in the USA, and does not necessarily have to comply.

Equally, by lodging such a motion, the footballer in question has become the target of almost every twitter user.

Again, in this privacy debate, the Sun's front pages put it best ...

... and yes, this week really did mark the end of privacy. 

But not without a fight.

For example, just by serving a writ against twitter, the footballer in question became the target of every internet search for the past 72 hours ...

... and then his lawyers made it worse by taking action against a journalist who named the footballer in a tweet.  The journalist is now also the target of the writ.

In an even more ludicrous state of affais, due to the nature of the superinjuction, the journalist cannot be named. 

It's a very Harry Potter style moment when the man who named the man who cannot be named cannot be named ... unless you're in new media world.

All in all, privacy has just become a 'laughing stock'.

 

A long break ...

It's Easter in the UK and we get a long break now.

Friday and Monday are official holidays and then there's some wedding going on over here next Friday, so that's a holiday too.  We also get May Day Bank Holiday, and it means that Britain has shut down until 3rd May!!!

Now I may be a sad git and come back to blog here every now and again but, just in case I don't, here's some secret filming of what's going to happen when Will and Kate finally tie the knot ...

(yes, it's a wee advert for a mobile telco operator, but also a brilliant spoof) 

Banks form alliance to stop G20

I had an interesting (but competely April Fooled fictional) conversation with the Chief Executive of one of the UK’s largest banks last night.

He was telling me about a new bank alliance that has been formed to address their concerns over what the G20 might do about bank bonuses, taxation, lending, governance and general operations.

The banks have recognised that these issues have been getting increasing media coverage, and therefore public anger, and are specifically responding to the G20 Meeting in Nanjing, China that took place yesterday.

At this meeting, apparently, some countries have agreed to start a co-ordinated program to introduce draconian regulations to deal with the issues of banks behaving badly.

Led by President Sarkozy of France, who has the Chair of the G20 this year, the regulatory agenda is based upon taking the mixture of ideas and issues that have been floating around in recent times – the Tobin Tax, bonus taxes, Basel III, capital ratios, stress tests, the sovereign debt crisis – and deal with them head-on by telling the banks what they can and cannot do.

This dictate will be announced at the next G20 meeting, to be held in Cannes in November.

Before this gets off the ground, an alliance of major banks has been formed to head this off.

Nominally called the Financial Union (FU), to emulate the European Union (EU), it comprises leading banks of the world, although there is a notable absence of any of the major American banks.

The FU alliance will be co-ordinated by those that have most at stake – the Chief Executives of the major banks and their investment banking leadership – and is directed at specifically destabilising the economies of those countries that join Sarkozy’s call to arms.

Thus far, only Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain have been on the Sarkozy bandwagon, and we saw what happened to them.

Apparently, Japan did show a little interest, but that’s gone away due to the natural disaster that occurred recently. In light of the FU alliance, some conspiracy theorists are asking if that was a ‘natural’ disaster or not now of course.

Over dinner last night, and strictly off the record, the UK bank CEO told me the following:

“Look Chris, we all know about conspiracy theorists, and there are many more of those than ever now talking about the banks. But this is all just media created, as illustrated by that pap of fiction Inside Job which won a frigging Oscar for a complete load of dross. Things like that are just stirring things up, and it all adds to the media backlash against us.

“To be honest, we’re fed up with it. Non-stop yabber, yabber, yabber, from diddlysquat journo’s in corduroy jackets – many of whom have a bad case of dandruff and halitosis (ed: bad breath), I can tell you – and it’s all just crap.

“It makes our jobs far more difficult and the world would be a better place without the media, I can tell you.

“Now, as for this crisis of confidence in banking, much of this was made up by our competitors. Just look at our capital position. It is sound, always has been and always will be. What was really going on is that the damned Yankees decided to pull the rug because they could see global domination moving West to us and East to the Chinese.

“So what better way to get everyone to take their eye of the global war for trade than pretending that their markets had imploded due to some rubbish subprime sales?

“Absolutely nothing to do with us old boy, I can tell you, and that’s why we’re now forming the FU Alliance.

“The FU Alliance includes all of my mates. Sorry, I meant the leaders of the key world’s banks, although not the Americans of course. Never should have let the colonies go, damn George III. Anyways, my peers and I are going to make sure that the world is a better place by paying ourselves a pretty penny at the end of the year, and we have a right to do this every year.

“Yes, bonuses. Now I know that weak and ineffective whingers like yourself don’t like it, but you and your cohorts of media mates can just get lost. FU will see to that.

“We’re also going to establish our main offices in the Caymans, the Bahamas and Liechtenstein. That way, whatever the G20 and that little Napoleonic git does, we can avoid the issue.

“Oh and forget all that sabre-rattling about lending, capital ratios and stuff. We’ve got jolly good accountants and auditors who deal with all that stuff, and they know how to make our balance sheets look like we’re doing well, so FU to that too.

“Yes, the FU Alliance is going to show these guys a thing or two. You just wait. In fact, right now, we’ve got a nice little plan to derail the Americans by ploughing our money into remnimbi as the new reserve currency.

“So you just wait. By the time the next G20 meeting comes around, most of these jumped up political boys and girls will be towing our line.

“After all politics comes from the Latin derivations of poli-, meaning many, and –tics, meaning blood sucking parasites.

“Now, would you really rather have a bunch of tax-wielding politico blood sucking parasites stealing your money ... or an army of rich, eloquent, suited and booted boys who will make you a load of money?

“Exactly. That’s why you need the banks more than governments, and that’s why we’ll win and everyone else will lose.”

At this point, he did break away to finish another large Macallan Malt Whiskey on ice. I think this was the sixteenth, but am not sure as memory is a bit hazy.

I did ask whether I could share a glass with him, but just got another mention of “FU”.

Ah well, happy daze.

 

The Royal House of Treasury

I’ve received some really bad Nigerian 419 scams over the last few years and a few that made me laugh.

Not many have me ROTFL – that’s rolling on the floor laughing for you in the corner with the baboon face and hairy nose.

But this one landed in my inbox this morning and it just made me, well, ROTFL.

Have a read and enjoy:

-----Original Message-----
From: Duff Harold [mailto:duffh@bu.edu]
Sent: 22 February 2011 01:54
Subject: Re: YOUR $7.5M CONTRACT PAYMENT

 

49, Featherstone Street,
LONDON, EC 1Y 8SY
UNITED KINGDOM
Telephone: + 44 203 286 1573
Fax: 44 207 901 6603

Attn: Beneficiary,

We the entire members of the Royal House of Treasury, on behalf of the Government of Great Britain, under the auspices of the Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth of England II held a meeting this week concerning payment, both foreign and local contractors and some inheritance funds which were not released to the right benefactors Her Royal Majesty, has just informed this office (Royal House of Treasury) that All the listed contractors and Inheritance funds benefactors which their CONTRACT PAYMENT SUM AND INHERITANCE FUNDS were not paid to should be released to them with effect.

We discovered that your payment listed to us Seven million five hundred thousand dollars US$7.5M) approximately Four million Great Britain Pounds (GBP 4M), you are advised to respond with effect so that we will process your payment to be made in any form you wish to receive your funds.

Kindly respond to this office so that your payment will be process and transferred under 72hours of receiving this email, you can contact us on this telephone number + 44 203 286 1573 for a voice confirmation.

On going through files yesterday, we discovered that your file was dumped untreated, so at this juncture, we apologize for the delay of your payment and please stop communicating with any office now and attention to the appointed office below for you to receive your payment accordingly.

Now your new Payment Reference No.-35460021, Allocation No: 674632 Password No : 339331 ,Pin Code No: 55674 and your Certificate of Merit Payment No : 103 , Released Code No: 0763; Immediate Telex confirmation

No: 1114433 ;Secret Code No: XXTN013, Having received these vital payment number, therefore You are qualified now to received and confirm Your payment with the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland immediately within 72hours You are directed to reconfirm your full detailed information, as stated:

FULL NAME, HOME ADDRESS, PROFESSION and MARITAL STATUS, AGE, HOME PHONE NUMBER and CELL PHONE NUMBER as well as time to call you on the phone.

And please kindly respond back to this email: haroldduff88@mail.com

Best Regards,

Duff Harold

For Royal House of Treasury

 

Yes, Prime Minister: the Northern Rock Episode

This week saw the first discussions of a possible sale of Northern Rock back into the private sector.

This is the bank that signalled the real start of the credit crisis when it went under during the summer of 2007 and had to be nationalised.

Interestingly, the press have all started speculating who is going to be the potential buyer, and roll out the usual suspects such as Tesco and Virgin. Neither of these will buy Northern Rock as Tesco don’t need the branches and Virgin, having made a bid in 2007, will now want to grow their business for their style of customer, not these ones.

Similarly, NBNK – Lord Levene’s New Bank – has been muted, but they’re barred from bidding after poaching Northern Rock’s Chief Executive, Gary Hoffman, to be their CEO.

So the question is: who would buy Northern Rock?

Now I’ve already had one go at this, based upon the “Girl With” series of books by Stieg Larsson when Northern Rock was split into the good and the bad bank.

This time I think it’s worth a little bit of “Yes, Prime Minister” (a classic British comedy) as David Cameron debates the merits of a sale with his Permanent Parliamentary Secretary Sir Gus O’Donnell.

 

David Cameron (DC): Now then Gus, what’s all this about Northern Rock.

Sir Gus (GO): Well Prime Minister, it appears we can now sell it.

David Cameron (DC): Oh good, does that mean we’ll get some cash back?

Sir Gus (GO): Yes Prime Minister, although I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that.

DC: Well how complex can it be?

GO: Well Prime Minister, you have to remember the circumstances under which the bank collapsed.

DC: Of course I remember that Gus. It’s only a few years ago under the watch of those awful Blair and Brownites.

GO: Yes, but it’s now under your watch and people will remember what happened.

DC: What are you saying Gus?

GO: Well, in the fullness of time, given all the circumstances and in the balance of probabilities ...

DC: Please just spit it out.

GO: OK, Prime Minister.  When Northern Rock collapsed, the government intervened and took over. They had to. But there’s an issue here, which is that the shareholders of the bank were never recognised for their stake. The shareholders’ believe that the UK Government stole their shares as there were a couple of good private sector bids for the bank at the time. Virgin and others wanted the bank you see, and that could have allowed the bank to recover and repay its debts, and keep some shareholder interest.  Instead, the position today is that the shareholders have lost everything.

DC: You mean we’re not going to give them any money back?

GO: Well they want recognition and the government did promise to pay them some compensation, but they claim that the valuation of the bank has been rigged so that shareholders are likely to get nothing at all.

DC: And are they?

GO: Are they what Prime Minister?

DC: Are they going to get any money back?

GO: Well, we made some promises but, when the independent valuation panel assessed how much they were due, they found it was nothing.

DC: Nothing?

GO: Yes, nothing. Nada. Zilch. 

DC: Oh, so we’re free to sell it now are we?

GO: Yes, Prime Minister.

DC: And keep all the cash?

SH: Yes, Prime Minister.

DC: Without having to pay the shareholders anything back?

SH: Yes, Prime Minister.

DC: And it's all legal?

SH: Yes, Prime Minister.

DC: Oh good. And how much might we get?

GO: About £1.5 billion, Prime Minister.

DC: Oh good. After all Sir Gus, we need the money in these days of austerity and all that.

GO: Absolutely Prime Minister, which is why we will sell the bank and keep the cash.

DC: Good. So what is it we’re actually selling here and how?

GO: Well, we’re selling the good bit.

DC: The good bit?

GO: Yes, Prime Minister.

DC: What do you mean by ‘the good bit’?

GO: Well, there’s a good bit and a bad bit of the bank.

DC: I don’t understand Gus. Can you explain?

GO: Of course sir.  As you say, under that awful Blair and Brownite regime, the government had to rescue the bank and, as such, made a significant investment into it. According to the National Audit Office report, there was about £50 billion of public support provided to the bank which could have been lost if not for the actions of the government. And there’s still major potential losses as the taxpayer has invested £1.4 billion in the good bank and over a billion in the bad bank.

DC: What?

GO: You know Dave. The good bank and the bad bank.

DC: You still haven’t explained that bit Gus. That’s what I’m asking about.

GO: Well, we’re now ready to sell the good part of Northern Rock to someone, and the government gets to keep the bad part.

DC: Why would the government want the bad part?

GO: Because no-one else wants it.

DC: I still don’t get it Gus.

GO: Well, a year ago we split Northern Rock into a good bank and a bad bank. The good bank is the bit we think we can make the money out of, and the bad bank we will just have to write off.

DC: And what is the ‘good’ bank and the ‘bad’ bank all about?

GO: Oh, I thought you knew Prime Minister.

DC: No. I keep telling you that Gus.

GO: Well, the good bank is the bit that has deposits and accountholders who are of a good quality. It’s not making any money of course, but it’s a good bank.

DC: How can a good bank be one that makes no money?

GO: Because it’s not handed out crappy loans to every Tom, Dick and Harry who may never pay them back.

DC: Huh?

GO: Well it’s like this Prime Minister. The bad bank is making a profit because it has lots and lots of loans that need paying back, and the bank makes a profit on loans. This is why, when the last government separated the parts of Northern Rock into good and bad bits, the bad bit made a profit of around £350 million in the first half of last year, whilst the good part made a loss.  This is because the good part has fewer loans than deposits and therefore has to pay out more in interest to deposit holders than it earns from loans. Hence, it makes a loss.  In the bad bank it’s the opposite case, as there’s around £50 billion of risky loans and mortgages that earns lots of interest and that’s the bit we’re keeping.

DC: So we’re selling the bit that loses money and keeping the bit that makes money?

GO: Exactly Prime Minister.

DC: Doesn’t make sense to me.

GO: Well sir, banking doesn’t make sense to most people.

DC: And who would buy this loss-making bit?

GO: Good question sir. We think there are lots of people who might buy it.

DC: Such as?

GO: Lots of people.

DC: Can you name one Gus.

GO: One what sir?

DC: One buyer.

GO: Oh yes.

DC: Well ...

GO: Well what sir?

DC: Name one then.

GO: Oh. Well, we have an advisor being appointed to sort that out.

DC: An advisor.

GO: Yes sir.

DC: And who’s that.

GO: Goldman Sachs. 

DC: What? I thought they were meant to be some money grabbing organisation we hated with a vengeance.

GO: Oh no sir, we like Goldman Sachs.

DC: We do?

GO: Yes sir.

DC: How come?

GO: Urrmmmm ... because they have us by the short and curlies Prime Minister.

 

Scene fades ...

 

Merry Christmas

Well the holiday season is finally here and the blog is shutting down until 4th January.

In the spirit of the season, I thought it would be nice to leave you with something Christmassey, so I got my friend MC Skinner to produce a little video.  

Happy Holidays!

Christmas Chris from Chris Skinner on Vimeo.

It that wasn't weird enough for you, then why not click here to play with my snowglobe or go and play Smack the Penguin.

 

Bank tells women what to wear and men to shave

It may be old news for some of you by now, but the wires have been abuzz with the news that UBS has issued a strict dress code guide to staff in Switzerland.

The guide amounts to a weighty 44 pages, and begins with lines such as: “An impeccable appearance can procure interior peace and a feeling of security”; and, in indomitably Swiss fashion, “he who wears a watch conveys trustworthiness and great concern for punctuality.”

It goes further:

• Only suits of grey, black or navy blue may be worn, and must be kept dry-cleaned and changed daily;
• Shirt-collars must be wide enough to pass a finger inside and shirt cuffs must show between 1.5cm and 2.5cm beyond the jacket sleeve;
• Men must wear ties with patterns that “match the bone structure of their face”;
• Facial stubble, tattoos or ear-rings on a man is a big no-no;
• Only lace-up shoes can be worn and men must wear black, non-patterned socks;
• Female staff who wear skirts must ensure they descend to mid-knee and no more than 5cm below the knee;
• She must wear a white blouse that “must neither be tight on the bosom, not gape open, because that gives a negligent appearance”, with strong advisory that flesh-tinted bras are de rigueur to remain invisible under the blouse;
• Standard-style neckwear must be worn and the blouse collar must appear over the jacket lapel;
• Women may wear seven items of jewellery, but men only three;
• Female employees are also told that wearing make-up gives the impression of competence, but to avoid nail art and avoid heavy makeup;
• Female employees are even advised to do such things as wear buttons fastened when standing, unbuttoned when sitting, and warns of the dangers of wearing too-tight underwear and shoes; and
• Employees of both sexes are urged to avoid smelling of strong perfume, garlic, onion or cigarette smoke.

If you would like a copy of the guide then  Download UBS Dress Code, a loose translation.

The bank is trying to rebuild its image after receiving a $69 billion bailout as a result of the global financial crisis and, whilst appearing a little old fashioned, the Wall Street Journal reports  that this is a good guide, grounded in common sense with lots of interest globally to replicate as sane advice to any corporations’ employees on how to make a good impression. 

HT to Neil Peacock for sharing this with me.