Next week, I’ll get back to being Mr. Boring Banking Blogger, and will focus upon the economic, financial and technological trends for 2013, as per my usual start to the year.
For today, purely because it’s still the silly season (yes, 12 days of Christmas is still going strong here), I’m going to make ten mad predictions for 2013. Let’s see if any of these come true.
1. Nicolas Sarkozy and Silvio Berlusconi make a comeback
This is already underway so it’s not that wild an idea to imagine these two politicians making a comeback, bearing in mind that politics derives from the Latin poli which means many, and tics which are blood sucking parasites.
2. Greece bails out Germany
That may sound strange, but Greece has already bailed out Germany. After all, Germany has tried to control Europe for over a century and the Greek crisis has provided Germany with the perfect opportunity to finally gain ubercontrol of the Eurozone.
3. David Cameron dances an Argentinian Tango
Yes, the Falkland Islands have raised their heads again. Thirty years after the War that saw Thatcher sinking Argie boats, the row continues. Las Islas Malvinas son Argentinos … yea, and pigs might fly.
4. Dominic Strauss-Kahn is jailed
Interestingly he is now more likely to be jailed in France than in America, having seen charges of pimping being pursued through the French courts. Whoever would imagine that the leader of a major financial organisation could also be a pimp?
5. Barack Obama makes a guest appearance on the X Factor USA
Although the show is getting dragged down with issues of bitchiness and hate amongst the judges, what better reason than getting Barack Obama to come on the show and sing? After all, he seems to enjoy a good sing-song …
6. Justin Bieber grows a beard
Forget being charitable about growing moustaches in November, Justin Bieber is desperate to be taken seriously as a musician and singer, so what better way to prove he’s now a man than to grow a beard? Nice.
7. Apple releases the iPoo
At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, the wildly anticipated Apple Toilet is announced for release late in 2013. The iPoo is remarkable as it allows you to spend hours on the toilet not only reading, but having a true entertainment experience, including everything from full surround sound movies to a total colonic irrigation.
Photo sourced from unofficial release website for the iPoo
8. Kate has twins
Everyone is saying that this is going to happen, ever since she was diagnosed with acute morning sickness. It wasn’t that cute, but women who suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum are more likely to have twins than those who just have normal morning sickness.
9. The Queen hands the Crown to Prince William
According to reputable American publication The Globe, she’s already planned this.
The article itself is pretty scandalous and far-fetched. Here are a few excerpts:
Dying Queen Elizabeth is keeping her promise to make Prince William Britain’s next King now that his beautiful wife, Kate, is expecting twins … William and Kate will become King and Queen soon after their babies come into the world in the summer. ‘You filled my last days with joy’, an insider says the Queen told Kate. ‘Now the Queen is praying she can survive until the babies are born.’
The Globe has claimed for a while that the Queen is dying and that Camilla is causing problems. In this article they add a final flourish that the Queen’s decision has created a major rift between the family, as Charles’s scheming wife Camilla threatens a $50 million divorce lawsuit if he does not become King. According to The Globe’s insider: “She’s still obsessed with Charles winning the Throne so she can sit at his side as his Queen.”
Yea, yea, yea. So, just to finish with a truly wild prediction:
10. Banks become moral
After all the controversy of 2012, 2013 will see banks get back to new business as usual where there is no greed, no arrogance, no skeletons in the closet and no negative headlines. Just good, honest banking.